choosing yourself in every moment helps develop your sense of Self

06 Aug, 2024

(note: choosing yourself == choosing to be yourself)

I was having a phone call with my best friend last night. I know he's going through a really tough time and has been for a while. I felt anxious and stressed about whether or not I could be a good friend / what he needed. I knew that things between us are great and will be, and all I needed to do was be there to listen and support him.

So why would I be stressed? Zooming out a bit, I've always been shy, never really let anyone into my thoughts and feelings, and frequently deny any help offered to me. It's always been hard for me to get close to even my best friends. I really abused the shit out of "I'm fine", and "I don't need your help". Despite that, it felt like it really degenerated during lockdowns, to the point where I've had trouble holding meaningful conversations with my closest friends.

I couldn't figure out why. through this period during COVID I did the typical dance of "blaming it on the undiagnosed adhd", numbing myself with content, turning to substances, denying help, seeking help, etc. There were many ups and many downs. I did grow a lot, much of it by myself and through a lot of reading.

But nothing moved me significantly. I still seemed to have trouble talking and opening up to people. I realized that this was the beginning of the end-game of my default behaviour - bottling up and rejecting help will lead to isolation and loss of agency.

Wow that was a lot! 😅 Zooming back in, let's see how this manifests.

During this phone call, I felt the familiar sound of the conversation screeching to a halt. This seems to happen every time it was my turn to talk. I would say "Yeah...", without conjuring up any opinion or anything to work off of, leaving it up to them to continue the conversation. When the situation demands, I can do the motions of active listening, such as the light encouragements, reflecting emotions, and explaining it back in my own words, but that's all they were, motions.

thanks to some great books and videos, i got into reading more about active listening. i took the steps: genuinely wanting to learn how they think about things, how they were feeling, getting the Total Meaning, etc.¹

But that wasn't enough. what he needed wasn't a pair of ears to soak it in. He asked me for my opinion and I decided to give it to him. I laid it on him. I have such a habit of keeping it PC, don't want to offend anyone, don't rock the boat. but here I really leaned in.

I felt a small yearning inside me to say what I wanted to say. I did exactly that and everything felt so much better. Like i could talk, speak my mind, i could even dance and sing. It was met with good vibes and i felt really reassured that i was in a safe space.

Dear reader, when I say that this is a leap of faith for me, it really was. It took a lot of courage that I haven't used in a while. I chose myself in that moment, which is quite rare for me. I can point to many times where me being myself led me down hurt and pain.

In reflection, I've been noticing that many times and in many areas of my life, I don't have an opinion. I'd rather just let whatever happen, and deal with it. Life is just so much easier. Without an opinion, no one can fault you. No one can ask you, "why do you hold this opinion?", and you don't have to explain yourself.

Do this long enough, then there will be no Self to explain. Boom. lol. Avoiding taking any stance on anything causes you to disappear. Maybe not disappear in the conventional sense, but blend into the background.

So I've been ruminating on this topic of who I am. My latest revelation was that I shouldn't have to try to be myself. It should be natural, and I need to get to know myself (or, parts of myself) how i'd get to know a friend. Expressing my true self is the hard part.

after yesterday's leap of faith, it's clear that i was myself in that moment (feels natural, i have no regrets, i am fulfilled in expressing my deepest thoughts and feelings). After choosing myself, i'm confident that there is Someone to me and their presence is valued. Continuing conversations should be as natural as this, and I'm excited to continue practicing.

How did we get here?

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It talks at length about not compromising on who you are for the sake of others, and the road to recovering that sense of Self. Seriously I highly recommend. It's crazy that without this book, with my current life situation and the people around me, it's possible that I could live out my default behaviour for the rest of my life.
• Active Listening - Carl Rogers. What introduced me to this concept formally was this video, which I think is worth watching.
• The idea that "you are not your thoughts" which led to "you are not your emotions". I hold these close as regular self affirmations, and I find that it helps me (not for everyone). One more that I've recently added and that helped me particularly was focusing on what i am, rather than what I am not.

  I am life, I am consciousness, I am existence. I breathe automatically, I can see/smell/touch/taste/hear. the workings of my body and mind are so beyond human comprehension that identifying with it means identifying with something Higher (creator, one world, life force). This physical body is so much more than my brain, which is so much more than any individual thought or feeling. therefore, what is happening now is just a ripple in the ocean. Focus on being Here Now.

  • This is loosely inspired by Jon Kabat-Zinn's books on mindfulness, concretely Mindfulness for Beginners and Wherever You Go, There You Are.
• Brene brown's ted talk on vulnerability is what set me on a good course just before covid. It caught me at the best time possible and credit it with my journey into self improvement, which is why I haven't lost everything good in my life during that time (my partner, my friends). Her book on The Gifts of Imperfection talks a lot about courage, and how "just like how you only get better at swimming by swimming, the only way to get better at courage is courage-ing".
• The Mountain is You is a great book on patterns of self-sabotage. I didn't finish it, but it gave me the ability to look at my behaviours from an objective POV and what it will lead to in the end.
• Library genesis and Anna's archive FTW
• I've also been really working on my self image and trying to turn that from negative to positive. It's been such a huge life improvement, to be comfortable and happy in my own skin and the clothes that I wear. It encourages me want to look at other areas of my life and improve it, because I know wherever I spend conscious time and energy to improve will see improvements. Seeing it every day, has been a constant proof and reminders of that.
• my partner's friends are really good at being unapologetically true to themselves. It is inspiring, though takes me out of my comfort zone (which is good).

Thanks for reading once again. I really hope to continue building on this sense of Self and taking more leaps of faith. I know it won't all be as successful as this one, and failures are harder to look back and learn from, but I can handle it.